Kids be acting all crazy and shit

As we all know, kids can be very mean. We have all gotten made fun of for different things growing up. The little things that made going to school hell. But did they always make sense? Was the teasing always merited? No. Most of the time they don't even really make much sense.

That's what I'm going to prove by looking back at things I got made fun of as a kid.

1- Wearing Wife Beaters
This story is from 2nd grade. My grandmother(who lived with us at the time) would wake me up, get me dressed and send me off to school. She would insist on me wearing an undershirt, because as she claimed it was cold out. I only had tank top undershirts though. Which of course are referred to as wife beaters(how would this keep me warm?). The only problem with that, everybody else in my class wore v-neck undershirts. Which I thought of at the time as the the gross Al Bundy undershirts.
One day this kid noticed my undershirt and asked me why I was wearing a bra? Then eventually it was equated to, "Cerulli wears bras."

Verdict: How is that a bra? That doesn't make sense at all. Wife beaters are mainstay of pop culture. I can't help it if I was ahead of my time.

Result: I started wearing V-neck undershirts asap. Everyone pretty much forgot about it and it didn't linger on.

2. Wearing L.A. Gear
Yes, you read that right. In 3rd grade I had a pair of L.A. Gear sneakers. This one kid kept insisting that L.A. Gear are girl sneakers. He rode me pretty hard for a while.

Verdict: Still not merited. While wearing L.A. Gear isn't the most hetero thing to do, it's not like I was wearing Keds.

Result: I eventually got Nike basketball sneakers and never looked back. This was pretty much forgotten also. Although I think he did make a comment when I changed my sneakers.

Between wearing a bra, and women sneakers, I must have been the worlds youngest cross dresser.

3. Earwax
Apparently in elementary school I had really waxy ears. This fugly girl used to make fun of me. "Ewwww, your ears are so waxy, "clean your eyes." "I'm so fucking ugly." Okay, well the last one I made up, but she should have said that. The more she made fun of me, the less I wanted to clean them. It's simple, If I clean them, she wins. I guess I thought Q-Tips were for pussies.

Verdict: Yes. It makes sense. I had waxy ears, make fun of me. I deserve it.

Result: I eventually cleaned my ears and she had a stupid comment about me finally cleaning my ears. She probably wanted to bang me. Sorry, I don't bang fugly girls, NEXT.

4. Can't Sleepover
In middle school my parents would never let me sleepover my friends houses. They were worried about me staying out all night and drinking. You wouldn't think that this was a big deal, but apparently my friends did. They used to make fun of me endlessly about it. I believe there was even a song written about it. I can recall my best friend at the time talking behind my back saying, "Jeff's parents are depriving him."

Verdict: No. It wasn't me. It wasn't that I didn't want to sleepover my friends houses, it was my parents. Everybodies parents had stupid rules, this was one of them.

Result: Eventually they lifted the no sleepover ban in 9th grade.
Whats funny is that I didn't go away to college, and
to this day I prefer sleeping at my own apartment. I always have this itch to sleep in my own bed. I've gotten into fights with girls because I didn't want to stay over.
Hey, don't blame me, blame the no sleepover rule or 1990-1994.

5. Not being albe to cum
This is the weirdest thing on the list. In 7th grade, my friend, the porn king(mentioned in my previous porn blog) used to make fun of me for not being able to cum yet. I don't even think I tried to masturbate yet. The weirdest part was that he made fun of me, even though he couldn't even cum yet. He claimed it was bad I couldn't cum, because my birthday is in January, and his is in September. Therefore, I'm almost a year older and I should be able to by now. And something is wrong with me. He was basing this on his friend who was the same age as us who could cum already. Maybe this kid made fun of him and it trickled down to me?

Verdict: NO!!!!! That was strictly a dick move. Why would you make fun of you friend because he can't cum yet. It's also really gay. What do you want me to have a circle jerk with you? Maybe he rememberd that I wore L.A. Gear sneakers.

Result: The next year I had my day in the sun(when I actually tried to do it). Of course since that day in the sun I picked up a new activity that I'll be doing for the rest of my life.

6. Jeff Gillooly/Tony Harding
When I was in 8th Grade the whole Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan skating controversy happened. The guy who actually knocked out Nancy Kerrigan was named Jeff Gillooly?
Only one kid in the entire grade put it together that my name rhymes and sounds like him. Jeff Gillooly Jeff Cerulli. He made fun of me only once though.

Verdict: Yes. Absolutely I deserved it there. Think of Michael Bolton from Office Space.

Result: I tried to play it cool when he called me that. I thought I was done. I thought I would be referred to as Jeff Gillooly for the rest of middle school and high school. Who would want to go out with the Jeff Gillooly kid? Somehow it never caught on, and he was the only one to put it together. I dodged a bullet there.

As you can see by my study, kids rarely make fun of you for things you actually deserve.

So what, I had earwax. Other then that I was perfect.

Doing my part

Check me out wearing a sweet Wild Hogs T-shirt on stage last night. I'm just trying to do my part, and get the word out for Friday.



Offical Wild Hogs countdown: 3 days

Snubsville

I watched the Oscars tonight and I can't believe how Wild Hogs got snubbed. I know some of you are going to try and use that b.s. argument that it didn't actually come out yet, so it can't be nominated. But, c'mon it's Wild Hogs! It's MARLIAM ALVOLTA. There should be some sort of Oscar clause, that when a film of this caliber is made, it should be able to be nominated, no matter what.

Other Oscar notes

It was way too slow. There is no way that people there weren't falling asleep.
Ellen's banter in the audience was terrible. She made a myspace joke. You would get heckled for using a lame punchline like that at the Village Ma.
What is the hell is the Village Ma?
I'm sorry that I'm over the age of 6 so that group who makes the shapes behind the wall doesn't impress me.
Hellen Mirren has officially replaced Blanche(Golden Girls) as the old chick I want to bang. She is hot, how old is she 70? She has a better figure then most of the girls my age.
Jennifer Hudson is fat.
Awesome that Alan Arkin won.
Even better that Al Gore won. It's too bad that everyone didn't get to see that he isn't actually a robot, until after the 2000 election.
I would have given the best picture to Babel. Much stronger of a film then The Departed. Which I didn't even like. Unless Marty was trying to be funny, the final scene where there is actually a rat walking on the balcony was atrocious.


Official Countdown till Wild Hogs comes out: 5 days

FINALLY

Looks like they finally made the movie that should have been made a long, long, time ago.






The formula for success is right there.

They took;

2 parts buddy road movie + four parts America's biggest stars + 1 part sheer awesomeness= Hilarity

William Macy- Nerd, but cool

John Travolta- Renegade outlaw

Tim Allen- The Handy Man

Martin Lawernce- Black guy

WILLIAM H. MACY JOHN TRAVOLTA TIM ALLEN MARTIN LAWERNCE

Or as I like to call them

MARLIAM ALVOLTA



I'm am going to be the first one in line Friday when this comes out.

The Prestige

I just saw the Prestige. It was over 2 hours of two magicians having a feud with one another. All it came down to was that Hugh Jackman was more into East Coast magic. Which deals more with electricity, and water tricks. Christian Bale was more into West Coast magic. Catching bullets, transporting, and red balls. They both argued which was the original and better version of magic tricks. I personally of course have an east coast bias.

The Golden Age of Porn

When I was 7th grade the closest thing I ever came to breasts were when my mom cooked chicken. So of course, being a normal, horny, curious 12 year old I had to resort to porn. The internet was still a few years away, so getting porn was a task in itself. Every porn shop will kick a 12 year old right out. And unless you had some sort of connection, a small videos store, with an adult section in the back, were also out of the question. You had to be a little more clever back then. I remember once walking a couple of miles with my friends to Texaco, because the rumor was that they had dirty magazines and videos in the back, and would sell to anyone. The big joke that night was that the girl in it looked like Elaine from Seinfeld. There were others around that time too: The Dan Marino guy, the Pat Riley guy, and of course, the fat guy in every porno (Ron Jeremy). Little did I know at the time I would one day graduate form the same College as him (Queens College, although for some reason, they only tell you Seinfeld and Romano went there in the brochure).


My friends and I would all pass porno around to each other. We would get a tape, do what we had to do with it, and then trade it off. You were out of the loop if you didn’t have anything good to trade back. To this day I still have the Jenny McCarthy playboy tape. After watching Singled Out every night on MTV, I didn’t want to give it back.


One of my friends we dubbed the Macgyver of porn. He always had the best tapes, always knew where to get them, and how to hide it. This one time he even brought a Hustler to school for us to all look at during lunch. Only he cut off the cover of a Video Game magazine and used that over it. That is borderline genius for someone in 7th grade. Macgyver also had this scheme where he would sign his cds as if the band signed them, and then sell them to this borderline retarded kid in the grade. Guns and Roses, Appetite for Destruction was signed, “From Slash, Have a great fucking summer.” Macguyver also made me buy porn off him once. He had some videos he was tired of and tried to pawn them off on me. When I expressed by uncertainty about wanting to buy the tapes, he quickly said, “What are you gay, why would you not want to see naked chicks?” Rather then him think I’m gay with his illogical asshole method of salesman ship, I bought the shitty porn off of him. How this kid isn’t rich now, I don’t know.


Eventually there came a time when we realized our dads had their own porn stashes and it was just a matter of finding them. Raiding their closets we would find tapes of HBO’s Real Sex and other gems. Nothing could have ever prepared us for what my friend Luis discovered. Upon digging in his uncle’s closet, he found a box of magazines and videos. He thought he had hit the jackpot. He popped in one of the tapes and much to his surprise it was a bestiality tape. When he called me at 10 am the next morning, I didn’t believe him. I remember saying to him on the phone as a naïve 12 year old, “Yeah right, why would a woman have sex with a horse? When I saw the tape I was in shock. There were women doing horses, dogs, chickens you name it. The color of the tape was physically green and would be referred to as the barnyard tape. It was the grossest things I had ever seen. I didn’t understand what the fuck was going on. In one scene the dog tried to run away, and it didn’t help that the lady looked like my aunt. I had to rationalize to myself that my aunt doesn’t a dog, so it couldn’t have been her.


I remember working at a video store years later and never caring about selling teenagers porn, even though, the management told me I wasn’t supposed to. Teenagers should be able to watch porn; there is nothing wrong with it. Besides, I know that it was going to make there weekend. Well, unless some chick is doing a chicken, then that would ruin their weekend.

1st blog

This is my first of many blogs................scary